I kept jonesing for a front load washer; I thought my life would not be complete without one. I envisioned all of the things that I would wash with one, and since I hate to do laundry, I just knew it would be the ticket to improving my life. I would be able to do more laundry at once (you’ve seen the ads: 17 PAIRS OF JEANS AT ONCE, I don’t think we collectively own 17 pairs of jeans). I would be able to do umpteen numbers of towels, I could wash king size comforters with ease. La, la, la.
Well, one fine morning, Danny and I went off on an innocent trip to the home improvement Mecca we know as Lowes to buy a FAN, yes a $19.95 fan, to sit on the deck to blow away the MOSQUITOS. There, sitting in the clearance aisle was my MAYTAG NEPTUNE FRONTLOAD WASHER and DRYER that I had been dreaming of forever and a day. And it was HALF. PRICE.
Beautiful Neptune went home with me that day and I tossed my old Maytag out into the garage like it was a red-headed step child. I wanted to wash in the NEW machine with the little window on the front and the fancy computer like buttons; and I wanted to hear it PLAY the little song when it was finished with each load of clothes!
My love affair with Neptune began to turn sour fairly quickly; right off the bat I realized that just to do a load of towels would take 59 MINUTES! Neptune told me that right on the little screen in bright green letters, the old scorned washer could crank out a load in 15-20 without much problem at all. Neptune also can’t soak a COTTON PICKING THING! Neptune is so STINGY with water and SPINS so violently that once clothes are done they are practically DRY. THEREFORE, the wrinkles that got spun in there are THERE TO STAY. Only starching or spritzing them with water or Wrinkle Release will coax them out!
That was just for starters, as our relationship continued Neptune developed some nasty habits, the most annoying of which is that when he spins he sounds as if he’s GOING INTO ORBIT. YES, he’s balanced; NO, we can’t identify the problem. IT’S DEAFENING. We cannot wash clothes and watch TV, nor can I start a load of clothes before heading off to bed…Neptune simply will not cooperate.
Neptune’s other peculiarity is that he eats change. LOTS and LOTS of change. I try and be a good laundress and check pockets, but you know, sometimes it just don’t happen that way. One would think that people making washers as long as say, MAYTAG, would have thought of this little snafu, and created some little screeny mabob that would prevent quarters, nickels and the like from getting to the pump on Neptune. BUT NO…they didn’t. Therefore, meet my Maytag Man:
Tonight Danny had to take Neptune apart for like the sixteenth time and clean his water pump out. He is very expert at this procedure. Neptune kept telling me SUDS! SUDS! SUDS! all day which meant that he was not draining properly. Sure enough, he had 30 cents in his little innards.
Danny put Neptune back together again and he’s in the laundry room getting ready for his orbit cycle. I wonder how long it will be before he has another illegal snack and develops a severe case of indigestion
And I sold the Red-Headed Maytag washer that had served me ’lo those many years, wish I could find it tell it that I’m sorry.