I've Got Mail!

Its 2:30 and I’m checking my email and according to the messages that are in my Inbox I need to get on the ball. I have lots of places to go, things to do and purchases to make. If I’m going to get this stuff cleared out I had better get cracking.

I need to book a Royal Caribbean cruise, a Carnival cruise and then VRBO wants me to make reservations in Hawaii. Sounds great! But before I go Xylacor wants me to lose a little weight on their remarkable Ephedra and another company feels that my unsightly stretch marks needs some attention – 100% GUARANTEED!

After I get my body in shape Johnnie Boden has some classics that I will wear forever! Then Victoria’s Secret has some Must-Have Bras and Venus wants me to order some things for Spring Break. Shipping is free at Land’s End and Croc’s so I guess I need to get a few things from them as well.

After I get home from all that cruising and relaxin’ – I’m going to get an Advanced Teaching Degree and a MBA at the same time. In case I need a little financial assistance, guess I’ll check into that guaranteed government grant (details inside), and I suppose they might want to know about my credit score (FIND OUT YOUR SCORE INSTANTLY!!). Do you think I should order the Black MacBook OR the 17-inch MacBook? Or how about accepting both offers? With all that homework from my degrees I probably could use two computers.

There were few other items that I thought might be useful around the house. Some Goop might come in handy, so maybe I'll order up a gross of that. Amazon has an offer for headphones, I lost mine again, so I'd like another pair. I don't know what 2 MAG pouch sets are, but why not? Glock has solid milk chocolate handguns and I'm so ordering those for the girls Easter Baskets, I'll bet they'll be they only kids on the block with those.

I love to cook and Williams-Sonoma has some cooking demonstrations that I just CAN’T miss; after that I’m going to run by Bass Pro Shops for the Spring Fishing Classic, looks like they have some lures and reels that I need. Who knows, they may even have some skeet stuff.

Oooops, there’s another email. Tennessee Concert Update. Dang, you think I can squeeze Elton John and Billy Joel in somewhere?

Oh. My.

This picture is courtesy of Jay, my brother. Don't you love the charming shade of pea green?

Jay was driving down the street recently and witnessed the owners of this lovely vintage ride painting it with...a ROLLER. It began to rain almost immediately and the windows of the car were completely streaked with green.

Jay believes the Caddy needs to hook up with Green Van, Mower and Trailer.

I need to share with you...

I’m suffering from a loss and I’m in mourning. My dear TiVo is gone. We changed cable providers a couple of weeks ago and the new company doesn’t support TiVo and I’ve had to make a change. It’s been a long and arduous road and I’m not sure I’m going to make it. TiVO and I and had been together for over six years.

I long to see TiVo’s smiling face and his wavy little antenna’s, I miss the little bleeps he made every time I moved through the menus on the screen. I miss the kind viewing suggestions that he recorded for me when I had extra space. TiVo’s functionality was superior and user friendly, he would record by genre, or by Wishlist, even find movies by my favorite actor. I didn’t have spell out the COMPLETE name of a show to find it – not like on the NEW DVR, who isn’t even smart enough to know how to look for anything.

TiVo would delete programs with a single push of a button, but would magically save them in a folder for me in case I wanted to go back and change my mind about them. (I lurved that feature.) And can somebody tell me why the new DVR is not bright enough to know that it’s ALREADY recorded the same program like, THREE times. HELP ME!

TiVo also gave me a heads up and let me opt to stay on the channel I was watching or change and start recording something new…and a wee bit of time to do that. NOT this DVR, one minute I’m happily watching Big Love, the next I’m AUTOTUNEing to a new channel to record iCarly and is that OK? With OK being the only option. What if OK isn’t OK?

My last main issue with the DVR – that it’s nameless. What’s up with that? Couldn’t they think of something to call it? It’s a little like getting a dog from the pound and not naming it. It needs a catchy name, don’t you think? Something besides Box or DVR.

Grand Opening!!

Let’s suppose that you were going to open a new business – and for suppositions sake, let’s choose a…funeral home. Hey, I picked out of the clear, blue, it’s not like I know a single, solitary soul that would open a funeral home. We’re supposing. Remember?

Anyhoo, our first day is coming up fast, and most businesses have a Grand Opening, they invite the public in, give away stuff, serve refreshments, etc. and this left me to wonder. Just exactly what do you do for a funeral home Grand Opening?

Is it proper etiquette to have one of those HUGE blow-up floppy arm clown men?

How about flags and balloons? Or maybe one of those enormous spotlights piercing the night!

Do you fling open the doors exactly at 9:00 and then send the hearse to the hospital and the old folks home?

Do you give a free funeral to your first “Customer”?

Perhaps a coffin upgrade would be more appropriate.

If you have an Open House – do you play creepy organ music and still talk in hushed voices; or is it okay to be effusive and jubilant?

Do you serve punch and cookies? Or do you have stale sandwiches and coffee in the cramped little kitchen in the back?

Maybe they should give the kiddies Hearse rides around the parking lot – that would be a big hit.

Or how about a celebratory Open House funeral procession around town – but with flashing lights and honking horns? Doesn’t that sound fun? Go cups anyone?

I’ll bet some of you have some even better ideas!

Polo!

Okay, so here's an update to yesterday's post concerning Mr. Price, the work farm "escapee".

It would seem that the news article may be just a bit misleading, I thought this was one the dumbest and funniest things I had heard a criminal do in a long time.

I kept thinking, why in the world didn't he just keep walking in one direction until he found he way out of the woods? He's in west Tennessee, for heaven's sake - it wasn't like he was in really rough terrain. It's not mountainous, it's fairly flat land. Doesn't he know north, south, east and west?

An accomplice has left supplies for him, but they are two cell phones, tobacco and whiskey - but no food. Hmmmm.

Lastly, he calls 911, not his Mommy or a buddy with a pickup. What's up with that?

But then, a Sharper Mind than mine, pointed out that Mr. Price NEVER INTENDED to escape. The whiskey, tobacco and cells phones were CONTRABAND and were left there for him to retrieve and be sold at the work farm.

And a HUGE light bulb came on over my head - it made complete sense now. That's why he called 911, Mr. Price wanted them to come get him, he didn't want to jeopardize his impending parole.

However, this brings up a very valid question. Who makes the better criminal - ME or the SHARPER MIND?

Marco...

Memphis Commerical Appeal

An escapee called 911 Sunday after getting lost in the woods near West Tennessee State Penitentiary at Henning.

Trusty Bruce Price of Bedford County was supposed to be working on the prison's farm when he left, said Dorinda Carter, spokesman for the Tennessee Department of Corrections.

"An escapee called 911 Sunday after getting lost in the woods near West Tennessee State Penitentiary at Henning. Trusty Bruce Price of Bedford County was supposed to be working on the prison's farm when he left," said Dorinda Carter, spokesman for the Tennessee Department of Corrections.

He picked up contraband -- two cell phones, six pounds of tobacco and a bottle of whisky -- which authorities believe had been placed in the woods by someone else for the trusty.

He tried to return to the prison when he lost his bearings, Carter said. So he used a cell phone to call for help.

"He told them he wasn't planning to escape, but got lost in the woods," Carter said. The Lauderdale County Sheriff's Department obliged him.

The flee-and-plea lasted about 105 minutes; he was rescued/caught at 12:30 p.m. He'll be charged with escape.

Price, sentenced to five years for theft over $1,000, had been scheduled to go before the Parole Board on Wednesday.

He could have enjoyed an early release for what had been good behavior.

BREAKING NEWS

Lawn Mower and his partner, Trailer, have been granted a full and unconditional pardon.

Lawn Mower, who is a John Deere, model unknown, served six months of a possible lifetime sentence after pleading guilty to two counts of attempted events of motor stall and eight backfiring offenses at an innocent bystander.

Trailer, who was charged with aiding and abetting Lawn Mower served six months of a possible one year sentence.

Lawn Mower and Trailer both had an exemplary disciplinary record while in the field and have already been released and are now on parole.

Happy 17th Birthday Sweet Girl

Today Syd turns Seventeen – that means that I have been a Mom for six thousand, two hundred and five days, Man. As I look back on those years, some of it has simply flown by; some of the bad I didn’t think would ever end, parts of it I can recall in vivid detail and wish that I could relive over and over again.

Like a lot of young parents, we bought a video camera just before Syd was born and taped Syd for hours. Then one day, when she was about eighteen months old, I sat down to watch some of it and my heart literally broke in two. That baby on the tape was already gone, she was now a toddler, and I quit taping pretty much from that point on…and I’ve barely watched any of the tapes since. I cried all day on her first birthday because it meant that we had already lost a year of time with her - so as you can imagine, number seventeen is especially bittersweet.

We waited ten years to have Miss Syd and for so long she was a very quiet, shy little girl. Now, she’s a very independent young lady – she's outgrowing us fast, sometimes she’s too busy or thinks she’s too old to stop and listen to her Mom and the thing I wish she would stop and hear this scatterbrained woman say is:

I love you more than life itself…I would die in a heartbeat for you…I ache with love for you…I still want to brush the hair from your eyes…It’s okay to cry sometimes and I’d even hold you in my lap if you would let me…Life isn’t always fair, but damn it, I’d make it that way if I could…I want to laugh OUT LOUD with you…cause girl you are FUNNY…Don’t grow up too fast cause life can be tough out there…The light will always be on for you.

Love, Mom

Pardon me...

I have a good friend who is a criminal defense attorney - he shared these at a party the other night. He hopes you like 'em too!

"Mr. C, where do I go to take my polygrip test?"

"I fell in a hole and tore my ACLU!"

"Mr. C, ya gotta help me. She's camouflaging my car so I can't drive it!"

"Can't we move for a change of vengeance?"

"When're we gonna take her definition?"

"My doctor wants me to botox off my pain medicine"

"That juror is communicating to me telepathically."

"When my lawyer git here he gonna gib you a edumucation!"

"Are they gonna make me wear one of those UPS tracking devices?"

"I'm making some gramastical changes."

"You dimbicile, everybody knows you can't do that!"

"How long has the jury been marinating?"

And the winner is...

I don't think I've missed the Westminster Dog show since they started broadcasting it - I watch both nights and thanks to my devoted viewing, there aren't many dogs that I'm not usually able to identify by sight. It's a useless waste of my brain matter and just another reason why I can't find my glasses or my keys.

But, I always have a favorite and usually mine DOESN'T win. Last night however, my guy did and ten-year old Stump was looking mighty fine and giving senior citizens all over the world cause to stand up and cheer!
Some day...some day, I would truly love to experience Westminster with Rea.

We would have a wonderful time.

Queen Spot

I drove to Metropolitan Moore county yesterday to have lunch with Danny - as I was making my way there I got behind a white, nondescript pick-up. And as I am wont to do - I was looking at the scenery, taking in the beautiful day, not paying good attention to what was in front of me and when I looked back around...there was a LARGE dog on the tool box in the back of the truck.

I was a little surprised at myself - there aren't many occasions that I miss an animal when it's on my horizon, but there it was in front of me, I was shocked that I hadn't noticed it earlier. The dog hung out on the tool box, but was a bit restless and then within a minute or two I understood how I had missed it - the dog stood up - and went back into the cab of the truck through the sliding back glass!

I followed the truck until I had to turn into Danny's work and pick him up. We decided to go eat on the court square and just as I was about to tell Danny about the dog AND turn into a parking spot - there hanging out on the tool box was the dog itself!
Meet Spot, she loves to ride on the tool box and gets to go to work with her human. (Sorry about the quality I made this with my cell phone.)

However, there were some Moore county boys from Danny's work at the deli who had the pleasure of knowing Miss Spot, bless her heart. I left there with the understanding that perhaps, maybe, Miss Spot might be just a wee bit fractious and that her tool box was her castle.

Just an average dog...

I know that sometimes I wax poetic about Nelson; about all of the cute and adorable things he does. But, I don’t think that I ever falsely misled you into believing that Nelson is a gifted and talented dog. Drop dead cute – absolutely. But a genius? I’m not kidding anyone. He’s just an average bear of a dog; he can sit, he knows the word “GO”, knows exactly where the package of Beggin’ Strips stays, and is quite aware that his very favorite treat – popcorn – comes from the microwave. When he hears that microwave ding – he’s like a Bloodhound on Danny’s trail, chasing him through the house and will eat half of a bowl of popcorn, one piece at a time.

But the fact of the matter is that Nelson falls just a little short in the smarts department.

Nelson will not come when called. You can beg, plead, command, demand, you name it and he just sits and looks at you through his cute little bandit mask and wags his screwed up tail. The only way Nelson will come is if you fake him out. You have to pull the ultimate big gun and say: “SHELLEY SIT”. And he comes running like a flash BECAUSE: he thinks Shelley is going to get a treat and heaven help us that he should miss out on a treat!

I can’t tell how stupid we all feel sticking out heads out of the door and yelling “SHELLEY SIT” to get Nelson to come into the house. It feels more than a little crazy. And can I tell you how much weirder it’s going to get? Shelley turned thirteen in September – and the sad reality is that she won’t be with us much longer, but Nelson will. Shelley is going to be long gone, in doggie heaven and we are still, say ten years from now, going to be standing in the yard yelling “SHELLEY SIT” to get Nelson to come!

I know that my neighbors probably already believe I’m a little odd – what do you think they are going to think ten years from now when I’m still telling a long dead dog to SIT?

Boy, those birthdays just keep slipping up on me...

and you just never know whose picture is gonna turn up on the old blog do you?

Although Birthday Girl and I grew up in the same small town and went to high school together we didn’t really form a true friendship until she married one of my close childhood friends. However, what I truly believe bonded us was the fact that we ended up pregnant with our first babies at the same time – those two kids are thirteen days apart (and closing in on seventeen). And through some un-discussed, coincidence, five years later we were pregnant again at the same time. Our youngest are six weeks apart in age. Pregnancy was absolutely no fun for me and to have a buddy who was weathering (although not hurling the first time) the seas as me was a great comfort.

Happy Birthday Debbi! I have loved sharing the laughs, the ups and the downs. The ins and the outs, the vacations…even The Botel.

You are a special friend and I wish I was there to celebrate with you!

Now I need a pig...

What are YOU looking at?

Oscar isn't the only one who hangs out around my computer - when she isn't in her basket (or stretched out on the dishwasher) Vivi likes to sit on my desk too; thank God she doesn't sneeze. She likes the heat that the computer generates (I like to think she likes me too).

Occasionally she lays just beside it, but a lot of the time she PEERS over the top at me like this.

She's kind of giving me a complex.

Breaking News

Late last week Green Van made an unexpected escape from the muddy field. He is currently recuperating on an asphalt driveway and hopes to return soon and assist his partners Trailer and Mower. Trailer and Mower are still being held against their will; Mower's captivity has improved, I suppose he can thank our new Commander in Chief - he is no longer being tortured.

I have a retail stalker...

Remember the other day, when I told you that someone cut me off as I was driving to Kroger, then that very same someone, kinda sorta took my parking spot once I got to Kroger.

Then, once I was in Kroger and I was perusing the ground beef, he not so kindly, but not really rudely, but not politely, asked me to move my hinkus out of the way so that HE could buy a roast beef?

Saturday afternoon I go to Kroger and wouldn't you know - there he is.

Sunday, I need a couple of things from my favorite retail hell - Wal-Marts.

And I saw him FOUR TIMES.

Help me.