Guess I have that Petty Criminal look...

Tuesday morning I went grocery shopping at my friendly neighborhood Kroger. They’ve had some pretty decent plants this summer and since I’ve failed to procure and plant my usual Kimberly ferns in the bed by my driveway, I decided to buy five salvia plants.

The salvias were in gallon pots; and since I was there to buy some MAJOR provisions, I really didn’t think I wanted to wrestle all those plants into the store and manage my groceries too. I was alone – as usual – don’t know if any of you have tried it lately – but maneuvering two grocery carts is a bitch. Trust me I’ve tried. So, I peeled the UPC sticker off the pots and stuck it to my shopping list and when I paid at the register I asked the cashier to include five salvias at $7.99 each.

I knew that I needed to load the plants into my Tahoe first, so when I left the store, I PARKED my cart full of groceries at the front by the doors, walked out and got my Tahoe and pulled around to the loading area. As I got out, I noticed Randy, a very mentally handicapped gentleman who comes to our Wednesday Night Fellowship Dinner at church.

I’ve enjoyed getting to know Randy the past three years or so; I only see him on Wednesday nights when I cook and occasionally around town. I think Randy is in his early fifties, I’m not sure where he lives (though he tried to tell me once, but I never understood him), he doesn’t have car and a another gentleman in our church is teaching him to read. But, Randy has an eye for faces – and I spoke to him and he recognized me immediately and offered to get my cart and help load my groceries and my blue salvia.

Just as my buddy Randy and I were nearly finished with our task; two Kroger employees approached me.

Now, I wasn’t that surprised when they asked to see my receipt for the plants –I’m sure people steal their blue salvia all the time. But enough with the verbal tongue lashing.

Dear. Sweet. Slow. Kroger cart pusher. Don’t you think if I’m going to steal your blue salvia, I’m most likely NOT going to steal it at high noon on a Tuesday? And, you can bet your sweet ass, when I DO decide to steal your blue salvia, that I won’t put the $150 worth of groceries that I JUST PAID FOR at risk by leaving them at the front of the store while I saunter out the back forty of the parking lot and get my hot rod SUV getaway vehicle.

And another thing, sweet Cart Pusher, when I DO steal your blue salvia, the accomplice that I pick will most assuredly NOT be my church buddy Randy…